Friday, December 02, 2005
16 days left of me being a teenager...i turn 20 very soon..and guess what? im spending my last days as a teen sitting around at home staring at the ceiling, posting mail for my mum, flicking through the tv channels, and wondering why i feel so lonely.
so im back in singapore..im glad to be back, its nice seeing all my friends but...i dunno..im depressed, im upset, im hurt, im alone...i gotta thank shafi so much for coming to the airport...it meant soo much to me..i understand that everyone has work and they would have come if they could but not everyone had work did they? i was sad. i mean...i havent been back for about a year and thats the reception i get....think it feels good? it doesnt.
i dont get smses asking to go out and hang out maybe after work or over the weekend or anything..like i said, the hype was the first 3 days when i got here. now...now im all by myself.
i hate to say it but im dreading having to stay here another 2 mths or so..i cant take it. i hope it doesnt offend anyone..but can you blame me? it doesnt seem like i actually have FRIENDS here...its my nightmare come true..i said way back that i was worried that when i came back things would be different, people wouldnt be as glad to see me as i was to see them...and i was right. friendship really doesnt last forever.
i mean, i really do understand that people have work and everyone here has their own lives but all i was asking was to maybe at least pretend to be excited..make some form of attempt to want to meet up...and i mean, meet up more than once..sure i gotta make the effort too but theres only so much i can do.
im having the worse time of my life...i walk aroound the house dead and expressionless...i put a force smile on. its silly i know..but thats cos you dont understand..you dont understand how it feels like. maybe im being unreasonable but the only reason i came back was to see my friends. and i dont seem to be seeing my friends.
guys in perth..i miss you guys so much..i want my old job back, i want my life back..i have to get a job here if i intend to survive another 2 months..wish i could have my birthday in perth where i know my friends will be there..its silly cos im always so close to tears here. im suppose to be happy here...singapore is suppose to be home but no, i want to go HOME.
i cant believe this is what i came back to. mum just said i deserve what im gettin but why? i dont understand...I HATE THIS!! im bored..im broke..im lonely..I HATE THIS! HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT!!!!
to top it all off, i finally accepted that ive lost a best friend..and now, we're just friends..but hey thats what life serves us and thats what i have to accept...
im gonna have a great birthday, and i bet an even better christmas..oh yay, i cant wait.
im very tempted to delete this post cos it sounds so pathetic...but fuck it, i dont care anymore. its my blog, its my thoughts.
*cassie* ♥
5:25 PM
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